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It’s so hard trying to love something you hate and pushing aside what really makes you happy?

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It feels absolutely mental right now. I use to know how to fix the broken things around me. Even when they are not mine, I’d always find a way to put shattered things together. Right now, shards are everywhere and I can’t really tell how they fit anymore, the worst part is they’re mine.

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Flammable things

Have you ever tried to huff paint?

It’s intoxicating. It’s suffocating. Consuming.

It’s like swallowing a tiny gas that builds a fire in your lungs.

Have you ever spilled thinner in your hands

Soaked it in alcohol and rubbed detergent against it all at once?

It doesn’t hurt really. Not at first.

 

 

The best solutions always come with the black flame at the back

It wants to be avoided but nothing works as good

You use it anyway. You get a little careless and use too much

Pretty soon you’ll find your lungs starting to give in

You take a desperate gasp to try to save yourself from death

It’s funny how alive you could feel the moment your heart’s about to burst.

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Skin Disease

My father always tells me to keep my hands on the side

“Don’t touch your face, don’t run them through your arms.”

I was well aware that gazing at the sun would run red to the surface

I know well enough how fast my scratches bled.

 

 

Sometimes I’d still expect otherwise, it never hurts, it won’t bleed

So I dig the round edges of my nails deep against my skin and run it

A presence lingers but it was never pain, I look scourged but I don’t mind

I look at the mirror and see drizzles of blood spreading across my face

“Things are not as bad as they look.” is all I said.

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A little less quiet

You were just a boy who smiled to the whole world

You never let pain and anger take away that demeanor

And every crying, struggling voice you’ve heard

Whoever steps in, friend or stranger, you’d deny your love to neither

 

She was just a girl who kept her heart open

She would never let time nor absence take her to limits

All empty hands she would fill with an ocean

Whoever calls out, friend or stranger, she’d bleed out her minutes

 

You were to give the world your everything

She was to stop at nothing, trying and understanding

But the world’s too frenzied to give anything

Even when she shouts the world hears absolute nothing

 

Everyone says you have been the nicest boy

Everyone said her smile was a sunshine to their life

But no one would turn to celebrate your joy

No one held her hand when she’s bleeding under the knife

 

Years and years of kindness felt all sad and cruel

You kept strong though no one saw your heart’s in a riot

Lonely girl felt the world had played her a fool

Until your smile made her world a little less quiet

 

 

 

*this is one is dedicated to my best friend, who I believe with my whole heart is one of the nicest person who has ever existed on this planet. I will forever be thankful to all the forces of nature that allowed us to meet each other. In your silent ways you have made our lonely worlds a little less quiet and I hope that one day you’d get to read this, when I feel like I am brave enough to or when I have made a more decent version of this that you can be proud of. 

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Thoughts on Stargirl

I am not sure if the novel Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli is as thought-provoking as I make it out to be, or it just happened that I read it at a time when my brain wanted to work. Anyway, I thought Stragirl was a wonderful read and here are a few thoughts I have about the book (well not really about the story but more on the themes that it incorporated in the story):

 

First thought:  A lot of people tend to hate people who are different. The majority tends to despise the non-conformists because well, they are different. But in my understanding, the root of this is because non-conformists tend to live in such a different manner from most people and yet they look completely satisfied with their lives and if you were standing on the other side, you might just feel really unhappy. Why? I can think of two.

  • One:  they are completely happy and you’re not exactly feeling the same way, which gives you an idea that what you are doing with your life is wrong.
  • Two: people have a constant association of being different from one another to being disagreeable with each other.  We often feel like if the other person is in many ways different from us, it would be impossible to get along, which could lead to misunderstanding and ultimately hate. We often cling to this assumption too much that we let it destroy our chances of actually getting to like someone.

Second thought: People so often fall in love with fantasies and they chase after it but at the same time, they are afraid of the actual encounter. I have heard and read so many times how people long for the fairy tale story, getting to meet the princess or the knight in shining armor but whenever they do arrive we run away from the situation and at worst condemn the person for being unrealistic(unfitting in our little realities). Having met Stargirl in this novel, I have constantly felt like she is one of those Disney princesses, kind, happy, optimistic, and gentle and definitely one who stands out from the sea of people yet despite all of these, people would actually hate her. I think it is curious how many of us would actually aspire to have these descriptions attributed to ourselves and yet end up hating the actual thing. Maybe because we still think that such things are so unattainable that we regard anything that comes close as unreal, not true, a fake or perhaps because we are so focused on the reality of things that we deny such magic and difference to be a part of our lives, because somewhere in the back of our minds we cling to the thought that such things will never fit and shouldn’t. Why? I have no idea.

Third thought:  Do I love Stargirl? No. Do I hate her? No. I think Stargirl as a character is very admirable and I think the ending to this story was inspirational. Having the weird girl, who was shunned by everybody, become the best memory of people was magical and beautiful and I am truly happy that the author gave some justice to the kindness and pure-heartedness of Stragirl by making her into the miracle that their high school needed but at the same time I do not want to be a hypocrite about all of these.  I think it is amazing that Stargirl is the kind of person who is not afraid to be 100% truly who she is whatever the situation may be. I actually find it really admirable since I know that I can never achieve that. Though, I think that I am very much like Leo. I cannot lie to myself and say that I do not care about what other people think, because I do. It is not the wisest thing to say but I do believe that we cannot just live by our own rules. We cannot live like the world is for ours to take. There is a limitless amount of liberty and honesty that comes with living fully the way you are, but the truth still remains that the world is not ours. There are billions of others living with us and when we always live to the extent of our freedom, someone is bound to get stepped on. People prefer to live their life in different ways, none more accurate than the others, and that for me is the reason to consider the existence of norms.  Not to be pro conformity, I just believe that existing in this world is not limited to discovering oneself, living out your own life and making memories to keep. It is also about existing with other people, and though staying true to who you are is always a good thing, we also have to conform once in a while so that others can have a space to live the way they want to.

 

 

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Somebody please redefine to me the meaning of privacy and personal space.

It’s hard to be born and raised around the idea of being at bliss and content with the things you can have for yourself and have that very idea destroyed the moment you grow up and start to realize how much you take shelter from it.

There is a difference between wanting to relate or trying to learn and deliberately pushing yourself inside closed quarters that are not meant to be occupied by people who belong on the outside. Some should learn that actually talking and listening to someone is a much more helpful way of  getting to know someone as opposed to purely scrutinizing every little gesture they make and every action they decide upon.

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The thing about finding people you love…

is that it makes life more vivid and interesting

it gives you more reasons to wake up in the morning and sleep with a smile on your heart

it gives you that special push to get out of bed and do something with your life

it gives you something to think about, dream about, write about and remember

though I reckon that whenever you find more people to love…

you find more people that could break your heart into a million possible pieces that once shattered can never fit in the same way again…

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Sparks and short circuits

Fate or intention might have pulled me to you
But the second we met felt like a short circuit
The plug of my silence wasn’t meant to go through
But Nobody really stopped the flow of your current

Any outsider can tell of your resistance
Nobody knew how much greater i tried to hide mine
But the outside forces had so much persistence
The energy inside amplified made you shine

So we managed to fit the two of us together
Launching sparks of our silence and laughter in midair
The person we hide thrives in our forever
Our smiles revealed so much more than we can ever dare

I will not admit to any attraction
But You make the room fade and all that is above
Though i’m sure love isn’t part of the equation
I know that I like you better than falling in love